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i think it's much better for the conscience to really admit your real feelings. if i feel jealous, i want to be able to admit it so i can feel better about it. jealousy is a normal emotion. i think whenever i feel jealous, if i try to suppress it i feel guilty and stupid. it's just another case of me being too hard on myself, which i have no reason to. good things happen to everyone; i shouldn't have malicious thoughts just because my good things haven't come yet.
i just finished watching a movie called The Edge of Seventeen. in this whole journey of growing up and all that other cliché stuff, sometimes your best friends aren't the best of people to turn to. i used have a real hard time dealing with that fact, but now i hope that i can just move on. i rely so much on other people to fill in the gaps i can't fill myself. i just gotta remember to find my independence. no matter how far i have to dig for it, i have to make sure it's within reach. i might have to break through a concrete slab to get to it, but i always have to reassure myself that it'll get to it.
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I know you didn't ask for my opinion, but I don't think being "independent" is so much something you need to set out to achieve. It comes about through a gradual process, forming bit by bit as you face hardships and find yourself alone in dealing with them.
Plus, I think being incapable of handling things by yourself and _choosing_ to ask a friend for help are two different matters entirely. But what the hell do I know.