4 posts from March 2008

man, this is like one of the grossest episodes of CSI i've ever seen.

i need to work on organizing my time more wisely. every time i'm at a bookstore, i always see these little kits that "help you manage your time." {i just saw a cheese commercial and i'm mega hungry now} whenever i pass these little self-help books i scoff at the thought of being desperate enough to need to "self-help."

but now, i think i may be getting to that point. i'm one of those people that super analyze everything. i am a pro at telling other people what should and shouldn't be done; i am also a pro at being #1 hypocrite. it's so easy to tell others what to do; it's also easier to not follow your own damn advice.

for once i'd like someone to tell me what to do without me feeling guilty of not being independent, and having confidence that that person knows what they're talking about.

who wouldn't.

i feel a bittersweet sadness right now. i'm in no way depressed, but i just feel sad for some reason. maybe it's because i know tomorrow's going to suck, with two tests coming my way. it's surprisingly lonely right now. 

i don't feel like i'm home. while i love my parents, i don't think i feel the comfort you're supposed to feel when you're in your home. man i just feel like going to sleep right now. 

i hope keith is doing OK. i pray that his mom is going to be alright. 

i think it's much better for the conscience to really admit your real feelings. if i feel jealous, i want to be able to admit it so i can feel better about it. jealousy is a normal emotion. i think whenever i feel jealous, if i try to suppress it i feel guilty and stupid. it's just another case of me being too hard on myself, which i have no reason to. good things happen to everyone; i shouldn't have malicious thoughts just because my good things haven't come yet.

i just finished watching a movie called The Edge of Seventeen. in this whole journey of growing up and all that other cliché stuff, sometimes your best friends aren't the best of people to turn to. i used have a real hard time dealing with that fact, but now i hope that i can just move on. i rely so much on other people to fill in the gaps i can't fill myself. i just gotta remember to find my independence. no matter how far i have to dig for it, i have to make sure it's within reach. i might have to break through a concrete slab to get to it, but i always have to reassure myself that it'll get to it.

maybe by me getting my license, new doors will open. but i don't want to think of it as that. driving will be a step closer to an independence that i've always needed. i hope it will fill that pit of helplessness with will & power. willpower, perhaps?

i'm the kind of guy that looks at other people's friend list in hopes of perhaps finding someone cute, in hopes that we'll then somehow meet and click. but i'm also one of those guys that do not go past the online portion and just sit there listening to sad Beatles and Whitney Houston songs.