just woke up from a nap. had a hot dream. really hot dream. but sadly, it didn't leave me feeling happy upon waking up. i actually felt rather lonely. the hot part of the dream involved the person i thought to have loved for the past couple of years.


to try to explain how it made me feel lonely, i guess i would have to start at how i don't think he could ever love me. we're both total opposites and exactly the same, in the sense for the worst. i don't think i'm at the point of understanding where i can better explain it than that, but for now that's all i can go on. guess you'd have to empathize to actually know.

i'm trying not to base any of my feelings for others off of sex. it's time i start to develop true feelings, rather than those that only end up in the sheets.

thought i would try uploading my own music. youtube video links aren't always reliable.

so i cannot wait until my next visit to Jelly's! if you are somehow reading this and on Oahu, you should visit Jelly's at Pearl City. it's great - vintage titles and albums everywhere, shelves of books you would never find elsewhere (and at a kick ass price). it's great.

more artists to search for:
The Ting Tings
MSTRKRFT
Duffy
Basement Jaxx

i'm trying to write stuff in here and do a paper at the same time.

note to self. you really like the name Oliver. makes cute nicknames possible, such as Olly or Ollie. and yes, i would name my daughter Oliver (not Olivia. so done.)

two movies i like with two hot guys named Oliver is A Lot Like Love and Jersey Girl. very touching-and-tugging-your-heartstrings kind of movies. i'm going to buy A Lot Like Love at work on Saturday. 

a big void is growing larger and larger in my life. i'm slowly drifting away from the people i used to call my best friends for life. yeah it's corny, so what, wanna fight about it? anyway. i'm convinced it's not my wrong doing. as guilty as i want to feel for these rifts growing bigger, it's out of my hands now. i've bullied myself into thinking that i should always be doing the feet kissing because i love my friends so much. but when will my feet ever get the same pleasure? for once i would like a friend to go out of their way for me. and it's sad to think your very best friends would do that for you, only to find out that that's not the case. 

[writing paper & drinking Mountain Dew break]

i was supposed to go with Dave to the film festival Saturday. but he changed his mind and said he's going Thursday.... which was today. but i worked today, and he didn't call me back anyway. i guess i should have expected it. he's pretty flaky because of his "schedule" for school. apparently, school runs his life and he has like no time to interact with human beings, especially prospective romantics of which the likes of me desires. 

so right now, there's this really good looking asian guy sitting in front of me. i see him quite often in the library. i'm not sure if he's chinese or vietnamese. i know he's a foreign student because he has one of those little pocket translator things that all the japanese students have. 

aside from this, today has been pretty up and down. i found out that andrea is apparently dating a new guy. not only did i not know about her break up with matt, but i'm in shock and disappointment as to how she can rebound so quickly. i mean, it's only been about 2-3 weeks (i think). i'm not 100% sure, seeing as we've had a falling out. i'm not in the mood to explain the situation in words ~ i know, [i think] she knows, that's that. if she wants to continue being friends with me, something has to change. i'm very much tired of being unappreciated with my friends. i know God teaches us to serve and to not expect so much out of people, but there comes a time when i just have to distance myself from people that i'm not completely sure values me as a person.

andrea says she misses me, but if she really did she wouldn't have avoided me for so long. i don't understand anymore. she's digging her own pit, and i don't know how much effort i'm going to put into pulling her out later. i've been there for her for everything ~ well, all the bad, anyway. i guess i'm not totally surprised that things have gotten to the way it is now. while she says i'm her best friend, i don't remember the last time she's actually hung out with me outside of school. she was either with matt or at home. i can honestly say that over the years it's been very difficult to be her friend. 

i'm still trying to live the optimistic side of life. i know things are full of shit, but what's new? i can bitch about it all i want, but i guess i should find a way to do something [anything] about it. 

how i wish i could afford Lanvin. those silk Lanvin metallic high tops are like....so hot. no wait. they're so hot that i want to spell it haute. yes they're that haute. i've wanted a pair ever since their Fall '07 line. but i know i will never meet that $600+ requirement. such is the sadness of minimum wage life.

instead of studying for my biology exam, i spent the day watching Law & Order and looking at clothes online. i wonder when i'll start to really pay attention. i guess tomorrow i'm just going to go on my usual "this sounds right" strategy. it never works. no buts about it. i'm basically screwing myself. 

i hope that one day i'll get into a school where not only will i like studying, but i'll actually understand what it is i'm studying. i'm sure if i apply myself to these Liberal subjects i'll understand it. my lack of memory & attention skills prevent me from paying attention to anything i find boring. 

isn't that so snobby and uptight? if i'm bored, i do not care at all. haha but it's so true. by denying myself the truths of my personality, the more i will have to struggle with the questions as to "why?" and "how?" in the future. so today i will do myself the favor and accept who i am and realize that there are many things i will not be good at, but there are a couple things in life that i will excel at; the things that just bring me passion that i will be great at.

so what are those things...

it's seeing how people will take in a visual message.

it's knowing what colors will contrast with what shapes.

it's visualizing what styles need and need not be worn.

it's realizing that the future is about hearing color, seeing sound, and holding it all in front of you.

man, this is like one of the grossest episodes of CSI i've ever seen.

i need to work on organizing my time more wisely. every time i'm at a bookstore, i always see these little kits that "help you manage your time." {i just saw a cheese commercial and i'm mega hungry now} whenever i pass these little self-help books i scoff at the thought of being desperate enough to need to "self-help."

but now, i think i may be getting to that point. i'm one of those people that super analyze everything. i am a pro at telling other people what should and shouldn't be done; i am also a pro at being #1 hypocrite. it's so easy to tell others what to do; it's also easier to not follow your own damn advice.

for once i'd like someone to tell me what to do without me feeling guilty of not being independent, and having confidence that that person knows what they're talking about.

who wouldn't.

i feel a bittersweet sadness right now. i'm in no way depressed, but i just feel sad for some reason. maybe it's because i know tomorrow's going to suck, with two tests coming my way. it's surprisingly lonely right now. 

i don't feel like i'm home. while i love my parents, i don't think i feel the comfort you're supposed to feel when you're in your home. man i just feel like going to sleep right now. 

i hope keith is doing OK. i pray that his mom is going to be alright. 

i think it's much better for the conscience to really admit your real feelings. if i feel jealous, i want to be able to admit it so i can feel better about it. jealousy is a normal emotion. i think whenever i feel jealous, if i try to suppress it i feel guilty and stupid. it's just another case of me being too hard on myself, which i have no reason to. good things happen to everyone; i shouldn't have malicious thoughts just because my good things haven't come yet.

i just finished watching a movie called The Edge of Seventeen. in this whole journey of growing up and all that other cliché stuff, sometimes your best friends aren't the best of people to turn to. i used have a real hard time dealing with that fact, but now i hope that i can just move on. i rely so much on other people to fill in the gaps i can't fill myself. i just gotta remember to find my independence. no matter how far i have to dig for it, i have to make sure it's within reach. i might have to break through a concrete slab to get to it, but i always have to reassure myself that it'll get to it.

maybe by me getting my license, new doors will open. but i don't want to think of it as that. driving will be a step closer to an independence that i've always needed. i hope it will fill that pit of helplessness with will & power. willpower, perhaps?

i'm the kind of guy that looks at other people's friend list in hopes of perhaps finding someone cute, in hopes that we'll then somehow meet and click. but i'm also one of those guys that do not go past the online portion and just sit there listening to sad Beatles and Whitney Houston songs.

it's so hard to not be able to buy anything! i found out a neat-o way to dye jeans, and now i want to try it :( i want to go buy a shitty pair of jeans and do it, but noooooo ~ gave up shopping for Lent! maybe i should just use one of my old jeans and see how it turns out. that skinny pair is pretty dull. maybe i should. i don't know if i'll be able to sand paper it though, because it's 1% spandex. wait, does that matter? i dunno, i just know it's a little thin, so if i sand paper it it might rip easily.

my new project is to make a messenger bag out of plastic made from fused plastic bags. i think that's such a neat idea ~ so much potential for individual creativity. plus, whether it's through color or a logo on the plastic bag, you can make a lot of different plastic "print." so dope!