Posts (page 2)

i'm always hearing about how she doesn't like us anymore because she doesn't talk to us as often as we'd like. there were many times when i felt that her not answering my phone calls or barely speaking to me on the internet were was her way of trying to distance herself from me. nowadays, i want to see it as her way of coping with separation. i do not  doubt at all that she still loves me as her friend. 

there's always a time when i feel like my friends don't like me, and i'm always the one that is expendable. but as i get older, i recognize slowly who is really the BFFs and who's just the FFNs (Friends for Now). 

so he has a boyfriend now. that's cool. before i go on, yeah of course i'm jealous! but it's fine, because it's kind of douchey to hate on someone for having a boyfriend. 

i think maybe a couple months ago i probably would have been rolling in a pile of self abuse and loneliness. i kind of don't want to be that person anymore. why kind of? because being a queeremo was the only thing that felt "right." not that it's right, but it was the only thing i really knew. yeah it's kind of shallow, but before i never really let anything give me any self esteem.

now i want to be a better[ish] person. the self confidence have to come from the source of the word: self. my priority isn't to get a boyfriend anymore. i remember back in high school, the thought of ever being with someone was just to bypass the loneliness. isn't that so high school? 

it's gotten to that point where i compare anything immature to how i was in high school. but who's to say that maybe those immature tendencies haven't just progressed over the years? maybe with all my wisdom i'm led to believe i've gained over the years, i've really just encompassed my true ignorance. 

now that my train of thought is taking on new rails and new routes, it's getting progressively difficult to express in words how i feel. i firmly believe that to be one of the main reasons i want to be a designer. as i told my classmates in Speech, "Sometimes words aren't enough to express a message. People tend to respond more positively to shape & color."

i often wonder what someone would think if they ever read my blog. the titles are so unoriginal! i got the idea from Degrassi, how during the earlier episodes the titles of their episodes were always 80's song titles (not sure if they still do that - i don't keep up with the show anymore, unfortch). 

before i forget, i want to make a note of it somewhere that people that take the time to make comments on YouTube are total asshats. like really, aside from the fact that saying something negative takes more energy than something positive, why do people take the time out of their lives to even post a comment? just look at the damn video, and move on with your life. if the video sucks.... then move on! it irritates me when people watching Tekken6 videos think they know what they're talking about when they say "should've done this...." or "why didn't they do that...". aside from the fact that Tekken 6 is a new game, there's new features and changes that make it different from T5DR. and since it's only been released in Japan, only those who've played it in JAPAN really have a valid opinion. all them other little tykes at home that think they know their shaiza should wait about 3-4 months before the game comes out to open their dumb haole mouths. kthx!

it really threw me for a loop when.... let's call him J.... i found out he wanted to be a graphic designer. not so much because i don't think he can't be creative, because i don't know him well enough to say. i want to be an optimist and say that people always have potential and should invest time into their passion. thing is, with J he's been in school for how many years now, not knowing what he wanted to do. he graduated high school 5 years ago, and he's only now doing his BFA. i'm sure it takes like 3 years tops to figure out what you want to do. for some, that's not the case. but for a smart guy like him, what happened?!? 

and it's strange ~ he doesn't strike me as the kind of guy that is into design. my personal opinion on design is in order for you to pursue it, you have to be somewhat involved in creativity for the majority of your life. i'm not sure when i started. i think the first time i realized i loved playing with color was in 4th grade? i loved coloring books. and 4th grade is a bit old to be still into coloring books. i was also really into origami. i can still make a paper crane to this day! unfortunately that's the only thing i remember how to make. but with J, i haven't seen much. i think my opinion is a bit valid, seeing as i kind of grew up with him. 

you know, maybe i'm missing something.  who knows, J might be one of those people that keep their potential hidden. wonder if i'm one of those people...

just got home from my jog. i must say, although it's physically tiring, jogging is pretty addicting. i especially like sprinting my way home..... why? i have no clue. 

earlier, keith gave me a call proposing to me a sort of volunteer job that demands some sort of design aspect. he explained to me how the ministry is getting management of a small company that, apparently, a very rich guy owns. not sure how far the word "rich" will stretch, but we'll see how it goes. aside from my interest, i hope keith doesn't get sucked in too quick. as far as i'm concerned, it sounds a bit too good to be true. a rich guy sponsoring a non-profit organization like Shway? it sounds a bit sketchy. i don't want to be a pessimist, but i'm only looking out for Shway and Keith. i wouldn't want to see either suffer from issues of trust.

so today, Nikki & i gave TheBoat a ride. hmm.... long story short, small boats do NOT fare well in bad weather. just thinking about it now is giving me motion sickness. urgh. maybe i'll try riding it again when the swells aren't so gnarly. 

our trip to Ala Moana was great. Ritz Camera provided me with my 120 film, so now i can finally use the Holga i bought~herrrrray! also got my hands on two Japanese male fashion magazines. so i guess now i have something to look at to gain some perspective about the fashion world. 

i guess i should consider applying to school within the next couple of days. i'm honestly not sure how i'm going to approach my parents about it. they'll probably bring up my grades from school, which will be a difficult subject to tackle. God, if you can read this, i pray for the bravery to approach and conquer whatever gets in my way of going to art school. for so long it's just been talk. i barely do any design work, and my creative engines are running low on fuel. but i see art school as my ticket to pure and unfiltered success. 

today started off seemingly normal, but i'm so glad it ended on a beautiful note. P.S. I Love You was a bit on the 'makes me want to eat a whole cake' emo'ness, but i guess i don't regret watching it. 

i find it funny that Ireneo asked me if i knew Joel; even funnier that he asked me if i thought he was gay. "uh, YEAH I DO." but Joel's sexuality is Joel's business, as far as i'm concerned. thinking back on my crush on him, of course my feelings were genuine. but i don't think i was (and i'm still not) ready to deal with someone that i have to 'work' with. the way i see it, i gave up on him because it seems like he holds a lot back. i don't want to assume that he's uncomfortable with who he is. just the way he is sometimes, it seems like it's forced. 

i guess i don't doubt that he likes girls. but often it seems like.... out of place within his personality. you know? it's hard to describe in words. he's just one of those people that you know seems gay, but you always find yourself going "hmmm...." because of something they say or do. but we'll see. Ireneo agrees that he's gay, but i wonder what other's opinions are. why? i'm very judgmental. oh well. that keeps me in touch with the rest of the world on a realistic level.

Melissa finally gave birth. so happy for hear. i teared up a little. i don't know why! she's so cute and adorable. i can't wait to see her. not sure what Mel named her. and fab ol' Melissa, manages to keep her hair and face so managed. she gets a human being pulled out of her vag, and she looks like she just got out of bed. 

thinking of Melissa having her family, it makes me wonder when i'll be able to start one of my own. ((drifts off to clear, stinging uncertainty... ))

i watched a move called Into the Gloathing. it was pretty intense for me. i was always aware of HIV and AIDS, and how you contract them. my being gay always played a part in my fear for it. i know being gay isn't automatically putting an expiration date on my life, but it feels like it is. i'm not sure if it's all the stuff media portrays HIV / AIDS to be, or if it's just my own paranoia.

it's not a question as to whether my parents would accept me. because i know they won't. it's a question as to whether they would still be able to live with it. i'm not looking for acceptance, i'm looking for respect. i'm still a little iffy if i get that now - i'm pretty skeptical they'll give me any sort of face value for shaming the whole family with my utter gayness.

i also watched a movie called Big Eden. it was about a guy that goes home from New York to be with his dying Grandfather. his returning was to be an opportunity to help him come out to his grandfather, but ends up running into a few things in the process. his best friend, whom both yearn to be each other's lover, complicates his time there. but what i liked the most about this movie was the Native American guy Pike. 

played by Eric Scweig, Pike was such a genuinely innocent character. with so much love for the main character, and just the right amount of closeted, non-stereotypical gayness it was so nice to watch. Pike comes off as this gruff, straight forward, timid guy. but catch him in the right moments, and he lets his guard down to show his oh-so-adorable vulnerable side. i don't mean adorable as in i find him physically attractive. it's more like.... i think there's a bit of Pike in all of us.

the third movie i want to mention is a short film called Peking Turkey. this film is about a Chinese guy, Chris, and his boyfriend Pierre. Chris brings Pierre home for Christmas two years after coming out to his parents. Chris' parents are a  traditional Chinese couple - over protective, quick to judge, and not afraid to speak. i relate to Chris on many levels. not only do i come from a completely asian (Filipino) family, but i often wonder how i would go about bringing a boyfriend home to meet the family. in my current state, i can't imagine the scenario ~ i lack too much life experience to really envision me ever bringing a boyfriend home. i think my no.1 fear would be that my parents blame him for all that i disappoint them for, rather than just being straightforward and telling me how they feel about me. 

i'm so unsure if she still considers me the best of friends. before i used to think it was because we don't spend enough time together. but now i'm convinced that it's merely because she's bored of me. the way i see it, our friendship is just hanging on a string of obligation. whenever we're together i always get the impression that she'd much rather be with someone else at the moment. it's not apparent at first, but i always end up feeling that way when i'm with her. even when i'm on the phone with her ~ our conversations are so forced. it's like i'm dating, without the benefits! 

that's all for now. i'll ramble more later.

there are a lot of stuff i need to get in order during the break. if i want to become a Design student, i have to start doing design related things. i can't just sit at my computer for hours on end doing nothing like i always end up doing. my routine is so easy to fall into, and it leaves me feeling a deep sense of regret that i didn't do something more productive with my time. regret is on the top of the list of things that i hate the most.

Photography...

Desktop Publishing...

Anything Creative...

i want to realize that art school doesn't have to be the only place that can teach me how to be creative. i need to find that within myself. so i'm starting now. i hope. i have to!